Why Your Coaching Isn't Getting Results And...
- Ania Sumara
- May 8
- 5 min read
... It's Not What You Think!
Most coaches, when something goes wrong in a session, do the same thing.
They go into their head. They start to analyse. They think: what next? Which tool to use now? Which question should I ask? Maybe they even have a set of questions on the table and start looking for the right one.
They get stressed. And in that stress, they lose sight of the client.
Because when you’re thinking about what you need to do, which method to use, you’re no longer paying attention to the person in front of you. You lose access to your resources, to your creativity, to your ability to connect. You are not fully present.
And on top of that, you start hitting resistance. Because the more stressed you are, the more you reach for random tools and random questions that aren’t coming from a place of connection. And that creates even more resistance from your client.
And here’s the thing about resistance: it has a bad name in coaching. And in life in general. But resistance is needed. Resistance is like wind. You don’t go against the wind. You go with the wind first, and then you slowly start using it — as your power, as your fuel — and you move up. Resistance is there for a reason. And you can only work with it when you’re not resisting it yourself.
The problem isn’t your tools. It’s your state.
Here’s something I noticed quite early in my coaching practice.
There were moments where I said something — not in the way I was taught, not using the structure or the open-ended questions from my training or I made a statement that for some people might feel challenging, maybe even judgmental. But it landed. It landed well.
And there were other sessions where I used those powerful questions: smart-sounding, well-structured, open-ended. And they didn’t land at all. It wasn’t about the questions. It wasn’t about my statements or the methods.
It had to do with my state. My presence. The place I was coming from.
When I was centred, connected with my clients and sharing something truly in the service of them — it always landed. Always. Regardless of the form it took. That’s what pointed me away from collecting more tools and toward building presence. Because I saw the power of it. By myself. In my own sessions.
The Two States
From a nervous system perspective, we are either regulated or dysregulated. And these two states create two completely different coaching experiences.
The reactive state
When you are dysregulated — triggered, stressed, overthinking — you lose connection with yourself and with your client. You lose access to the bigger vision, to your inner resources, to creativity, to playfulness. The session becomes heavier and heavier. You spiral down. You try to control. You analyse. You reach for more tools. And nothing works.
The creative state
When you are regulated, everything shifts. You are connected with yourself. You can sense and feel yourself. You can sense and feel the other person. You have attention on your client. And once you have attention and presence, you really see them. You know which question to ask. You know what resonated. You notice every shift. You can name what you see. You can create from that.
That’s what creates powerful sessions and results for your clients.
Great coaching is not about how many tools you know, how many great questions you have on your list, or how many methods you’ve studied. Great coaching is about being present. And knowing which state you are in, in any given moment.
What You Can Do About It
Here is the thing most coaches miss: we are responsible for our state. Because with that state, we create the stage on which everything happens between us and our clients.
Step 1: Reflect on your reactive pattern. Think back to the moments when you got triggered in a session. What happened? What set it off? What did you do — did you overtalk, go silent, reach for a tool, try to control? Start to see the pattern. Because there is one. If you are not sure about your reactive pattern, read in my previous article about the Four Automatic Stress Responses.
Step 2: Know your reactive state. This is where you build embodied self-awareness. How do you feel when you’re in that pattern? What happens physically: with your posture, your breath, your body temperature, your body position? What happens emotionally? What do you start thinking? Get specific. Name it. Not as a concept, as a felt experience.
Step 3: Know your creative state. When everything flows and feels at ease — how does it feel in your body? How does it feel emotionally? How do you think about the world? Know this just as clearly. The more precisely you can describe both states, the faster you'll recognise which one you're in.
Step 4: Practice the state you want to be in. This is not something you figure out in the moment. You build capacity for it, like an athlete builds capacity. They don’t train during the competition. They train before it. Practice it as often as possible. It doesn’t have to take long, a few minutes at a time is enough.
Step 5: Use simple tools to come back. When you notice you’ve lost connection: shift your attention back to your client. What do they say? How do they say it? What are they not saying? Sometimes just repeat in your head what they’re saying. Take a deeper breath. Let it drop to your belly. Slow down your outbreath. Soften whatever is tense: your jaw, your neck, your shoulders. Do it three times. See if you can be present again.
But I Already Know When I’m Triggered. I Just Can’t Change It in the Moment
I hear this often. And here’s the truth: it’s a capacity. Like any capacity, it needs to be built. You train your body to stay open when it wants to close. You train yourself to drop your breath into your belly when it wants to stay shallow in your chest. You practise — not during the session, but before it — so that when the moment comes, the pathway is already there.
The Real Shift
This is not another method. This is a shift in how you think about coaching entirely.
It’s about believing that you are the tool. Not the external tools — you. Your presence. How you show up. That is the greatest instrument you have, and it’s the one you can train and build. And if you don’t believe that you are the most important tool, then you’re also not helping your clients believe the same about themselves.
It’s not about the tools. It’s about the state you’re in when you use them.
I go deeper into this in my latest YouTube video, including two practices you can use to switch your state in the moment. Link to the video below: https://youtu.be/jg4wYYXXhW0?si=fiMWhPs5lglgLZBv
I’m Anna, a leadership and transformation coach. I help leaders and coaches develop their embodied presence so they can lead and coach with clarity, creativity, and power. Stay tuned for tools, insights, and conversations that challenge how we think about leadership today.
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