Why Better Tools Won't Make You a Better Coach (or Leader)

Why nervous system regulation matters more than your next certification.

The Trap That Feels Like Progress

I noticed that in coaching sessions, when things get hard, most coaches do the same thing: they search for a better question, a better tool, a better model. It feels like progress: you're learning, growing, developing but not much changes in the actual session.

The same is true in leadership. When challenged by something new, leaders look for a new way of communicating, a new model, a new programme. The answer from the outside doesn't always give them what they want. A new diploma feels like progress, but in reality not much changes in the way they lead or coach.

And what's most annoying: the harder you work on your skills, the more stuck you feel. 

If you're a coach, I explored this specifically for coaching sessions in my previous article. Here I want to go broader.

You're Using Mind-Tools to Solve a Nervous System Problem

Most leadership and coaching schools train in skills, mental models, frameworks, structures. Even in mentoring, the first question is usually: "What should you have done differently?" And that's the wrong question.

The real question that would make a difference is never asked: "What state were you in when you were doing this?"

Skills are cognitive. And the problem very often isn't. When we get triggered, when we lose connection with our resourcefulness or creativity, when our presence gets weak — it's a nervous system problem. The place we operate from. 

As Stephen Porges, the author of Polyvagal Theory, explains, we live in a world with a cognitive bias that assumes our actions are voluntary. But state shifts in the nervous system are usually not voluntary. They happen reflexively. 

Every tool, every method, every technique is always filtered through us: our state and our own perception. And the people you're in relationship with — your clients, partners, employees — don't know intellectually which state you're in. But they feel it.

They feel whether it's the right moment to open up and share more or whether to withdraw, or fight.

When you're regulated, you invite that in others. When you're dysregulated, the same will be triggered in others. Being dysregulated is not a failure. It's your nervous system response. What matters is: how do you come back?

In the end, you are the most important tool in anything you do. And it all starts with the state you're coming from.

The Real Gap Isn't Knowledge. It's Capacity.

I once worked with a female leader who told me that in meetings, she sometimes felt invisible, especially when she didn't hold formal hierarchical authority. We explored what happened to her mentally, physically, emotionally in those moments. How she held her body. What was happening in her mind when she walked into a room. And then we built a different quality of presence – the one that represented how she wanted to be perceived. The crucial part: knowing what was happening wasn't enough. She had to practise it. Over and over.

The next time she came to our session, she told me the meetings had been different. People had started listening to her. Not because she had said anything new. We didn’t focus on her communication technique. She had simply shown up differently. Instead of making herself small, she held her ground. Centred. Fully there. Present.

It wasn't a skill from the outside, a new communication model or a trick. It was the state she was coming from. Her presence was the thing that changed the room.

The State of Your Nervous System Is Trainable. Start Today.

In every moment. In every session. In every meeting.

We are either regulated or dysregulated (somehow triggered) and that state of being impacts all of our behaviours, thoughts, and moves. The question is: how do you switch?

Here are five steps to practise switching from one state to another.

Step 1: Spot when you get reactive. Call up a memory of a moment when you were triggered to identify early warning signs and your default protective reactions (fight, flight, freeze, or please). Read in my previous article about the Four Automatic Stress Responses.

Step 2: Map your reactive state. What did you notice in your body? Your posture? Where was the tension? How did you hold yourself? What was your emotional state? And your mental state: what did you think about yourself and about the world? Name it. This is where you start building your embodied self-awareness.

Step 3: Map your creative state. Do exactly the same, but bring up a memory of a moment where you were fully yourself: fully at ease, at peace, creative, present, powerful. Name the same things: your physical, emotional, and mental state. Describe it. This is your blueprint. Notice the sensations in your body that take you into that creative state. That is the key.

Step 4: Practise when you don't need it. Practise the switch before you need it, in low-stakes moments. Not in the most important meeting of your life. Practise it there, more and more, until it becomes familiar. Your body needs 300 repetitions to learn a new way of being. 3,000 is for it to become second nature. Keep practising.

Step 5: Start bringing it into the moments that matter. When something is at stake and you feel like you want to be your fully present and regulated self, you can start switching. Because now you know what both states feel like and you know which one you're in.

This is a practice. You won't get it by knowing about it. It's like athletes — they practise before any competition. They spend perhaps 1% of the time competing and 99% practising. The same is true for being a great leader, a great coach, or great at anything.

Another Book Is Not the Answer, and You Know It.

"But I already know when I'm triggered, I just can't change it in the moment." Many people know when they are triggered. They know who or what triggers them. They've read all the books. But the one thing they haven't tried is training their body. Training their nervous system into a new way of being.

And yes, that might feel strange at first. It might include changing your posture or breath, standing up, shifting your weight, using a mantra. It might feel weird. But this is the training. And once you do it, the switch becomes faster, more fluid, more natural.

To stand in your power, you don't need another diploma. You need to practise those qualities of being that are in you when you're regulated, centred, creative, connected, and present.

That's something no book will give you because this isn't knowledge. It's capacity.

You Are the Tool

The real shift is to understand that you are the vehicle — the instrument that needs to be tuned if you want to play beautiful music. It's not that the song you're playing is wrong. It's that if you're not working on tuning the instrument, you'll be searching for the perfect song forever. And there will never be a perfect song.

It's about how we show up, not which tools and skills we bring.

So the closing question: Which state do you lead from, coach from, create from? And do you know how to change it when it matters most?

If you want to see this in practice, watch my latest YouTube video. Link to the video below: https://youtu.be/33cHzW4KwEU?si=6DP5YfgHWAPlPlsh

I’m Anna, a leadership and transformation coach. I help leaders and coaches develop their embodied presence, so they can lead and coach with clarity, creativity, and power.